I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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