My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
