hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
