I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
BRING THE BAGELS
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
