I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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