is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
