Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
