I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
