After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
