I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
