Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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