i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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