that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just gift wrapped bread.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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