there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
