Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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