Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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