I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
