He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
