Please, let me fuck your mom
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
