and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize