Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
