Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
