Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I met the friendliest cop last night
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
