I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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