he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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