Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
did i just pee glitter
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
