He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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