When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
