I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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