Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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