I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
