I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
