remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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