I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Randomize
