Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
