i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
