i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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