just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
