Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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