There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
