i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
