It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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