I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
