Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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