I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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