is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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