you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
