I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
