Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
