pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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