guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
