How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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