dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
