She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
