so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
