i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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