I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
