Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
