It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
