You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
