I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
