I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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